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Tips For Protecting Your Marriage From Infidelity

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Tips for Protecting Your Marriage From Infidelity

By: Allie

Want to know how to protect your marriage from infidelity? Read below for tips on how to prevent infidelity from happening in your marriage.

The path to infidelity is a slippery slope. Affairs will happen even in so-called “happy” marriages. Nobody is immune to infidelity because we are all human and humans are unpredictable. Even people who claim that they would never cheat on their spouse sometimes end up being a cheater in their marriage.

There are steps you can take to help protect your marriage from infidelity and safeguard it from outside love affairs.

Read the tips below for more information on how to create a safe and agreeable boundary in your marriage from infidelity. Affairs can often times be prevented by taking proactive steps to make sure that both partners are (reasonably) happy in their marriage or relationship. Creating this boundary requires open communication between both partners with a mutual respect and understanding for each others’ personal thoughts on relationship boundaries and moral values.

Tip 1: Maintain Appropriate Boundaries in Your Marriage and With Those Outside Your Relationship

Setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries inside and outside of your marriage is important. To achieve this, you and your partner need to openly communicate with each other about what types of behaviors or actions are inappropriate for your marriage. Is flirtatious talk with others okay but a kiss is crossing the line? Are you okay with your spouse or partner texting flirtatiously as long as the relationship (with the person he/she is messaging) never gets physical?

As to what is acceptable for your relationship is completely up to you but it is important to reach a common ground as to what is appropriate behavior for you and your partner when dealing with outsiders, especially if you are in a committed long-term relationship or marriage (i.e. you want to keep him/her around for a long time, if not a lifetime). An open line of communication about these harder topics not only helps grow your relationship for the better but it also helps put both partners at ease and makes both partners better equipped to handle all of life’s other stressors.

Tip 2: Be Conscientious of Relationships with Coworkers That Push Boundaries

The workplace is the top place where affairs start. This is why it is so important that both partners set and communicate appropriate boundaries with coworkers to ensure that infidelity is never an option that arises. For example, don’t eat lunch alone with the same coworker every single day, if avoidable (i.e. there are more than 2 employees at the workplace). Find some others colleagues to join you or change up the scenery and go somewhere new with other coworkers.

If you have to travel for business, first and foremost, try to stay out of the hotel bar. Make sure to schedule meetings in public places and not a hotel room with a bed.

As a general rule of thumb, if you would be uncomfortable or unhappy knowing that your spouse or partner was engaging in your type of behavior, you probably should not be doing it either. Keep this in mind when sharing details about your life as well (more details in next tip).

Tip 3: Don’t Share Intimate Information with an Attractive Alternative(s)

It can be easy to start discussing and/or complaining about the issues you and your spouse are having to anyone who lends a sympathetic ear but beware, this is a mistake. When you start sharing intimate details about your marriage with an outsider, this can quickly form an intimate bond between you and the outsider (even if you were only trying to vent). This may start out innocently with you seeking advice from the other person but this can quickly lead to shared emotional intimacy and eventually (and often times) an emotional and/or physical affair.

It is always best to discuss any and all intimate details about your marriage or relationship with your spouse and your spouse only. If you and your spouse want to have a successful marriage, you two need to be able to discuss problems and issues with each other in a productive manner. Other people cannot fully understand the intricate and intimate dynamic between you and your spouse. Although an outsider’s advice may seem great at the time, it is never a full view of what is really going on in the marriage. An outsider’s advice will always be based on a limited view of the entire situation.

You cannot solve a problem with your spouse or partner by complaining about it with someone else; the problem will only be resolved by discussing it with your spouse and coming to a mutual agreement or understanding (even if your opinions still differ at the end of the discussion). You can respect someone else’s ideas and thoughts, even if you do not fully agree with them. It is important for couples to learn how to communicate with each other for both the fun topics and difficult situations.

Tip 4: Establish a United + Transparent Front on Social Media + Other Forms of Communication

It is good to establish social media transparency in your marriage by allowing your partner to have access to your social media accounts. Secrecy and lies, especially concerning social media “friends,” can be a cause of great grief in a marriage or relationship so to prevent this from happening, create transparency with your spouse. Spouses who object heavily to transparency probably have something to hide on their social media accounts. Again, if you would not want your partner communicating the way you do with your social media “friends,” it is time to rethink how you communicate with them.

Tip 5: Surround Your Marriage With Positive Influences

It is a great thing to surround yourself and your partner with positive marriage influences. Having a close group of (happily) married friends helps protect your own marriage from infidelity and will give you and your partner great examples of how to have a happy marriage and the joy a happy marriage can bring to one’s life. While it is important for spouses to have individual friends outside of the marriage, it is also equally important to have shared friends and it is even better if the shared friends are other happily married spouses.

XO, Allie

Have a relationship question for me?  Ask me here!

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Exploring the Different Types of Infidelity

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Exploring the Different Types of Infidelity

By: Allie

Understanding the different types of infidelity and signs of each type of affair.

Infidelity is a universal issue that affects nearly every human being. Whether you are the cheater, the partner being cheated on, or a family member/ friend of someone that is affected by infidelity in their marriage or relationship, we have all been affected by cheating in our lives at some point in time.

An affair can cause severe destruction and damage in a marriage or relationship. This is not to say that a marriage is not salvageable after an affair but the path to healing after infidelity has been discovered, can be a long and arduous journey for both the cheater and the partner that was cheated on with no guarantee that the marriage or relationship will be salvageable at the end of the path.

Many people struggle with the boundaries between platonic friendships and infidelity. In addition, it can be difficult for both partners to agree upon appropriate boundaries for friendships. Although this is not an easy conversation to have, it is very important to set clear boundaries in your marriage or relationship as to what is acceptable behavior and what type of behavior is unacceptable and crossing the line.

There are several different types of infidelity that can occur in a relationship. It is important to understand these types of affairs and the signs of each type so that both partners can set boundaries to ensure that their relationship is a thriving union between the two individuals. A great relationship will always take work.

There are two main categories of infidelity: Emotional and Physical Infidelity. An affair can be a combination of the different types of affairs and is not limited to just one type. For example, a person can be having a physical sexual affair while also committing emotional affair with the same person (that they are cheating with).

Emotional Infidelity:

Object Affair: This affair happens when one partner is pursuing an outside interest that may be to the point of obsession. This almost-obsessive interest in this outside person is causing the partner to neglect his/her relationship. While it is important for both partners to have interests outside of the relationship (and these outside interests should be encouraged by both parties), this newfound interest can become a major issue when it becomes all-consuming and takes top priority in one partner’s life.

Cyber Affair: A cyber affair is an act of infidelity that happens on the World Wide Web. This type of affair can exist in many different forms, including but not limited to: chatting, emailing, texting, sexting, or video chatting in a sexual context with someone outside of your marriage or relationship. On the other hand, cyber activities with your partner or spouse can be very healthy for the marriage or relationship and should be encouraged. For example, sexting your spouse or partner throughout the day can be great foreplay and help strengthen the romantic bond between you and your spouse. It is also a great way to stay connected to your spouse throughout the day.

Emotional Affair: This type of affair happens when one partner becomes emotionally attached to someone other than his/her spouse. If a partner starts to spend more time communicating with an outside person about very personal issues and/or has inside jokes with this outside person, this is an emotional affair and can be extremely damaging to the main relationship, even though there is no physical infidelity present. When one starts to share problems, issues, life goals, and dreams with someone other than your partner, it takes time and attention away from your relationship and can leave your partner feeling very hurt and insignificant in the relationship.

Physical Infidelity:

Sexual Affair: A sexual affair occurs when a partner has sexual relations outside the marriage or relationship. Many times, there is no deep emotional attachment to the sexual affair partner. Sexual affairs can cause deep trust issues and are usually an indication of a bigger issue in the marriage or relationship (that is not being discussed). Women are more likely to forgive a sexual affair as it usually means there is no emotional bond while men are not as likely to forgive a sexual affair (according to recent studies).

It is important to note that not everyone agrees that emotional affairs are an act of infidelity. Some believe that infidelity only happens if sexual intercourse is involved and emotional affairs are not cheating. Infidelity and what counts as cheating are important issues that you and your spouse need to discuss and communicate openly about. It is important to set marriage boundaries that both parties agree upon in order to have a happy and successful marriage.

XO, Allie

Have a question for me? Ask me HERE! 

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Top Signs of a Workplace Affair

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We spend almost 1/3 of our lives at work, almost as much as time as we spend sleeping in our lifetime.  The workplace is where we spend the majority of our time in our lifetime, which is why the workplace is one of the top places for people to find their affair partners and cheat.  If your spouse or partner starts talking about a coworker a little too frequently, mentions talking with a colleague for advice about your own marriage / relationship, or starts spending lots of extra time at work without a real legitimate reason, keep reading for the top signs of a workplace affair.

Sign 1: Talks About a Coworker Frequently- Maybe Even Obsessively:

Your spouse or partner starts talking about a coworker frequently.  They will probably have really great things to say about this new person.  If you say anything that might be considered “negative” about this new person, they get very defensive and possibly angry that you have said such a thing about this newfound obsession.  This new person in their life is causing a “spark of interest” from your spouse or partner that doesn’t exist in your relationship. 

Sign 2: Gets “Advice” From Coworker About Your Marriage / Relationship Frequently:

If your partner mentions that they frequently speak to a coworker for advice about your relationship (& they could potentially be attracted to), take note.  It is never a good thing to speak more intimately about your marriage or relationship with someone outside of the marriage or relationship than you do with your spouse or partner.  If you start noticing that your partner is acting distant and is talking to a coworker more than they speak to you, try to find out more information about this coworker by asking your spouse or partner questions about their relationship with this newfound interest.  Pay attention to what your spouse tells you about this other person and also, make sure to take note of what they make sure to not tell you.  For example, you might ask them “How often do you and this coworker speak about our marriage?” and your partner responds with something along the lines of “I speak to them all the time because we work together.”  Notice that they didn’t answer the actual question but they did give you an answer that seems like they answered you… but not really.

Sign 3: Spending More Hours at Work:

On the flip side, your spouse might have a new “friend” at work that they only reveal limited or no information about to you.  In this case, your partner might be spending a lot more time away at work or taking more frequent “work trips”, etc.  To note, I am only speaking about those individuals whose jobs start at a certain time and end at a certain time (because I do understand that there are jobs where additional hours are required).  If your partner’s job requires no additional hours but they are spending a lot of extra time at work and the paycheck does not reflect these extra hours, it is time to start conducting your own investigationExercise your right to be informed.

Notice These Signs in Your Own Marriage or Relationship?

Pay close attention if you start to notice any of these signs from your partner.  Again, the workplace is where we spend 30% of our lives and more often than not, affairs are not something that happen overnight.  An affair usually starts with conversation(s) that turn into increasing feelings of attraction that finally bubble over and thus the affair occurs.  Once the affair happens, it might continue to happen over and over again before you ever find out the truth.  Your partner might become distant and uninterested in you and your marriage / relationship.  If this sounds like your situation, TAKE NOTE- Cheaters are liars and liars are going to lie.   

Exercise your right to be informed.  CONDUCT YOUR OWN INVESTIGATION (and abide by all state, federal, or country laws that apply to you where you live).

XO, Allie

Email me your marriage and relationship questions here!

 

What Counts As Cheating?

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Suspect Infidelity? Conduct Your Own Investigation at CheatersSpyShop.com

Do you and your partner have different ideas as to what exactly counts as cheating?  Cheating can be difficult to define because everyone has a different perspective on exactly what type of behavior counts as infidelity in their relationship or marriage.  In a broad sense, cheating can be considered as betraying a partner’s expectations about the type of contact one has with other people.

Betrayal is different for everyone.  When a husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend violates one’s expectations of what is appropriate contact, the partner will feel betrayed.  Keep in mind that relationships are influenced by our emotions and not always based on logic.

Because of this, cheating can be hard to define because everyone has different expectations for their romantic partners- no two couples are exactly alike!  What one person considers appropriate contact with other people is unique to that person and relationship.

Below is a list of examples of what some may consider as unacceptable behavior in a relationship and/or marriage:

  • Flirting with others
  • Engaging in sexual talk with someone outside of the relationship
  • Exchanging personal emails or text messages
  • Denying being married or in a relationship
  • Spending time with specific individuals
  • Engaging in specific types of contact- e.g. sleeping in the same bed with another person
  • Purchasing intimate gifts and presents for others
  • Chatting online with someone else
  • Engaging in an online affair with someone else
  • Having sexual contact with someone else (physical infidelity)
  • Becoming emotionally involved with someone else (emotional affair)
  • Developing a crush or feelings for another person
  • Sharing their most private thoughts and feelings with someone else
  • Becoming best friends with someone of the opposite sex
  • Talking or hanging out with an ex
  • Talking about sex with someone else
  • Attending bachelor/bachelorette parties
  • Going to a strip club
  • Texting pictures to someone else
  • Discussing relationship issues with someone outside of the marriage or relationship

Defining what counts as cheating can be a very gray area because again, everyone has a different opinion as to what counts as infidelity.  The important thing is to discuss what counts as cheating with your partner or spouse and that the two of you come to an agreement as to what is acceptable contact with people outside of the marriage or relationship.  For example, some people don’t consider flirting to be cheating but for others, flirting is the pathway that leads to infidelity and therefore is a no-no in a relationship or marriage.    

Many problems arise in relationships because people do not see eye-to-eye on what counts as cheating.  This is why it is important to discuss the acceptable boundaries of contact with your partner.  Many people do not like to define what cheating is in a relationship because if they keep the rules and boundaries vague and ambiguous, it makes it easier for them to cheat.  It’s much easier to deceive both oneself and a partner about cheating when the rules aren’t clear.

XO, Allie

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