What Is Going On With My Long-Distance Relationship?

Dear Allie,

I am 27 and my partner is 31 and we have been together for 1.5 years. Half of the time we were (and still are) long distance because I go to graduate school in another state. Our relationship has always been rocky but we stayed together because we love each other. However in the past few months, our sex life has become almost non-existent (no matter if we are together or apart) because he just doesn’t want it with me that much.

He started only calling me once a day as opposed to multiple times a day and he stopped video-chatting with me completely. A few days ago, he requested that we only talk about 2-3 times per week because he is busy and too stressed out and having to talk to me every day adds more pressure on him and drains me.

I feel like he may be cheating on me. And yeah, I am not on his Facebook and he has passwords on everything. The issue is, because I am not [physically] close to him, I do not know how to prove that he is cheating. Every time he explains his behavior to me, it even makes sense to me and I calm down for that day but then that feeling that he is just lying to keep me around creeps in the very next day and it has been like that for awhile. When I talk to him about it, he gets mad at me for even thinking that he is cheating. What can a person do to get evidence (or to have peace of mind if there is nothing to worry about) if we live in different states? I am going to visit him in 1.5 months but I am afraid I will go nuts before then.

ALLIE’S ANSWER

I can completely sympathize with you because I’ve been in several long-distance relationships before and it’s tough! Staying together when you’ve got so much distance between the two of you is not easy. My boyfriend (at the time) lived only a few hours from me; I can only imagine how difficult it is to be in different states! Distance can really eat away at your relationship!

Truthfully, I think it’s quite odd that he finds talking to you stressful. Talking with your significant other (other than fighting) shouldn’t be a strenuous event but rather something you enjoy doing. This is a big red flag to me because why is having a conversation with you about what’s going on in his life and your life, not fun or enjoyable? To me, being significant others means that you are friends and enjoy each other’s company, right?

A couple of other red flags are that he no longer wants to video-chat with you when it’s something you used to do as well as a lack of sexual intimacy. Behavioral changes are a major indicator of infidelity. While I can’t say 100% that he is cheating based off of what you have told me, it certainly seems that something is going on in his life that you aren’t aware of.

In addition, the fact that he gets defensive instead of being reassuring when you bring up the possibility of him cheating is another strong indicator of cheating. I would certainly say that your boyfriend is exhibiting signs of a cheater with his behavior.

It might be that he is just having second thoughts about your relationship because the distance has strained it or it is definitely a possibility that he might be cheating on you. As for gathering evidence, I’m not sure what you can do when you aren’t in the same state with him. Therefore, I would suggest having a serious phone conversation with him about your relationship. You might not be able to get straight answers out of him (you usually can’t with a cheater!) but you can at least explain your feelings and let him decide if he wants to continue to be in the relationship and make a bigger effort. Better yet, do YOU want to continue to be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to talk to you?

Just remember, a relationship is about two people, not one person dictating how things are going to be. Let him know what YOU need in this relationship!! It goes both ways!!

XO,
Allie


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