Not Having Sex & Always On Phone, Is My Husband Cheating?

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Dear Allie,

My husband and I have been married for about 8 months and for those 8 months that we have been married, we’ve just had intercourse 4-5 times.  He stopped having intercourse with me about 4 months ago and now every time I mention the topic to him, he gets so mad at me and he has been telling me that if I am not happy, leave. 

I have caught him getting up at 1:30 AM, 4 AM looking at his phone.  About 2 months ago, I looked at his phone and saw him and his former female boss’ conversation and he called her “sunshine.”  They had this sweet conversation and when she moved to night shift, then my husband started getting up at 1:30 AM.

Also, he’s been getting so angry with me about the smallest things.  He leaves home very early but his work is 8 minutes away.  His work starts at 8:40 AM and sometimes he leaves before 8:00 AM.  When I ask him about it, he just states hat he wants to hang out with the guys at work and when I ask more questions, he tells me that if I don’t trust him and I think he is doing something wrong, leave.  He says that the door is always open for me to leave. 

Recently I found out that he has another email account and when I asked him about it, he denies it and tells me I am crazy; he gets so mad at me.  He has been telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore but he is denying that he has someone else.

It’s not very easy for me to leave cause I don’t work because he didn’t want me to work.  I have no car (I had a car before but he told me to sell my car).  So please give me advice on whether or not he is cheating on me?

-Depressed & Hurt

Dear Depressed & Hurt,

This is going to be a hard one to write because I have been there before!  But let’s get into the facts of what you have told me.

First, not having sex is usually a pretty clear indicator of issues in a marriage.  There can always be extenuating circumstances (e.g. job stress, health issues, etc.) but the fact that he gets mad at you and tells you to leave if you’re not happy when you try to discuss an issue you’re having, is not good for a healthy marriage.  Your happiness should mean something to your husband; a marriage is about starting a life journey together and both of your feelings should matter equally.

Secondly, looking at his phone throughout the night is not a good sign either- seriously who needs to talk to someone that late at night?  Unless he is a doctor & on-call or it’s required of his job, I see absolutely no reason why anyone would need to be on their phone that late at night, period the end.  No good (secret) conversations happen that late at night.

Your husband is getting angry with you about everything when in reality, if he didn’t have anything to hide, he should just be able to answer your questions calmly (& of course within reason- we shouldn’t have to be interrogated 24 hours a day about our daily whereabouts) but the fact that he is unable to stay calm seems to highly indicate that he’s lying about whatever it is he is doing.

My advice to you is to get a game plan together as to what you are going to do with your own individual life.  If he truly does not want to be with you, then you do not want to stay with him!  You are worth having someone care about you as much as you care about them.  You need to figure out what your financial plan is going to be (for example, do you have family you can stay with until you find a job? Do you have money saved up? Are you in a no-fault state?  Because if you aren’t, you may be able to gather legal evidence of his infidelity and present it in court.).

I know none of this is easy to hear but sometimes, it’s better to know the truth because worrying about infidelity can literally suck the life out of you and consume your mind 24-7.  It isn’t healthy mentally and physically and can wear down a person so much.  Gather your evidence by conducting your own investigation.  There are phone software products that will pull up deleted messages and pictures plus much more information, in addition to other surveillance tools (Disclaimer: Check the laws in your individual state or country).  Sometimes we make excuses for the other person’s behavior because we love that person so much but hard evidence of infidelity is impossible to make an excuse for.

To conclude, I hope you focus on what good things the future could hold if you let go of all of this negativity in your life.  I have been right there with you and I know it’s a dark place.  You thought you would be together for better or for worse but when the marriage covenant is broken & one party is unwilling to work on it, you just have to move on because there’s a better life waiting for you out there.  Psychology research tells us that you can’t make anybody want to do anything; they have to want to do it themselves.  So at the end of the day, we can only rely on ourselves; other people will always be unpredictable and uncontrollable.  One thing I know for sure though is that when there’s a will, there’s a way!  Best of luck to you.

XO, Allie

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