Dear Allie,
My husband and I have been married for a little over 4 months and things have been kind of shaky. He has cheated on me in the past and I took him back every time.
We have a 15-month-old son and I would like very much for us to be a happy family. But he has been calling and texting females from his job when I’m not around. He calls them as soon as I get out of the car to go to work. He says nothing is going on and they are just friends but they talk all the time and this is exactly how things started with the previous two girls. We both work at the same place and the girls he’s talking to always give me dirty looks when they see me.
I don’t know what to do because I love him so much and I want things to work out. I turned my back on friends and family who tried to tell me to leave him and I don’t want to look stupid again. I have confronted him and every time, he gets mad and tells me that I’m living in the past and asks why I can’t see that he’s changed. He says he wouldn’t have married me if he wanted to be messing with other girls. But the last time he cheated on me, we were engaged to be married. And after I found out, he called it off. I have really bad trust issues with him as you can imagine but I love him and want things to work. So I guess my question is, do you think I have something to be worried about? Or am I just being overly sensitive because he’s hurt me before?
ALLIE’S ANSWER:
You have every right to be worried. His behavior is 100% suspicious! If he is having to wait to call or text these female “friends” until after he’s dropped you off, he is definitely doing things he doesn’t want you to know.
A cheater is going to deny, deny, deny. They will come up with every excuse in the book to “prove” to you that they are not cheating.
If he’s cheated on you multiple times in the past, he is certainly capable of cheating on you again. He doesn’t seem to have much remorse for his past indiscretions. It is one thing to make a one-time mistake and learn from it. It is a much different story to continuously make the same bad choices over and over. That is what I call a habit… and habits are hard to change.
It is very difficult for me to say that you should leave your husband because you have a 15-month-old son involved. However, parents that are together but constantly unhappy are not a great environment for a child either, especially if there is constant upheaval from your husband’s suspicious behavior. The two of you fighting all the time is a far worse environment than 2 single and happy parents. You deserve to be happy. Best of luck to you and your son.
XO,
Allie
omg leave this guy! You should have listened to your friends and family. They are right and he will keep on walking all over you for the rest of your life.
TIME. There are no short cuts so don’t try to find them. You won’t find them in alcohol, patinryg, or another man’s pants. Spend time alone even if you hate to. This will help you re-discover who you are and why you fell for such a jerk. Also, find a friend or local group of divorcees that meet so you can be around others in your situation. Yes you can talk to your married and never-been-married friends/relatives, but they truly have no clue what you’re going through. Being around those who do will speed your healing. Make a list of everything you are losing with the end of your marriage (good and bad). Cry over the stuff you’ll miss. Feel over excitement over the things you won’t. Write a Ball and Chain list. It’s like a Bucket List except it’s everything you want to accomplish before getting into another relationship which will steal time away from you. Do you want to travel? FInish school? Get in better shape? Attend a dinner party as a single in a room full of couples without feeling intimidated or uncomfortable? Make it a long list and stick do completing it before finding a new man. Make a list re-evaluating who you are and who you want to become. Work toward that.I hope this helps. These are the things I’ve done since I divorced who I’d always thought was the love of my life but he turned out to be a compulsive liar and cheater. So far it’s working. I have good days and bad, but overall, I’ve learned to be so much happier because he can no longer make me cry. I’ve taken the reins.
I didn’t really noitce any signs. I was away on military assignment. I had received the news from my brother, shortly after we had an intimate night after four months of separation. I thought it strange that she was visiting her parents in her hometown and staying in a motel room. It turns out she did him the night before while I was on a flight home. She told me that the motel room was used so that her parents wouldn’t have to clean up after our son. (Her parents were about to move because of job reasons.) She told me that the constant phone calls were to his mom, because she was once a military spouse and she needed someone to listen to her. She told me that the reason that he left from that motel room the night before was that she wouldn’t take him all the way home after a night of bowling. She had his friend Larry pick him up. The only thing is Larry is my sister in law’s exhusband. He sees my brother all the time when picking up his kids. My brother knew exactly which room she was in because he asked Larry. Larry has had to pick him up several times. The other man has no car, no job, and lives with his parents. Oh and he’s thirty one. My brother met me outside the motel as I was coming out; he convinced me to leave with him where he told everything. He took my car keys from me first. Thank god. I’d probably be facing murder charges if he hadn’t.