My Ex Has Moved On, Why Can’t I?

Dear Allie,

I have a problem in my life right now and I could use some third-party advice without judgment. I was together with my ex-husband for 4 years and together we have two children. We had our oldest daughter when we were in our early twenties and we were on again, off again for a few years after that. As soon as I moved on (kind of) with another man, he came back into my life talking about how he wants his family back. Things didn’t work out with the other man so I slowly allowed him back into my life and eventually made it official.

About a year ago, I got pregnant and our families urged us to get married since we have two kids and we had a shotgun wedding. Looking back on it, we did not get married for the right reasons. To make this long story short, we got divorced less than a year ago and before that we were separated for 3 months. He moved out and within 6 months, he is not only dating a new girl but he has moved her into his new place. I’m trying to figure out why this is bothering me so much!

I don’t know if he was cheating on me and at this point, I don’t really care. What I do care about is that I have to explain this to our kids! They ask me the questions instead of asking him. I don’t even have time to see someone else right now so I do not understand how in the world he has the time to start dating someone new and have her move in with him. Why is he so easily able to move on but I can’t?

This situation is really angering me and I’m starting to resent him a lot but I try my best to stay civil for the sake of our kids. I do not want to see his face at our daughter’s soccer and basketball games and I’m sure my face shows my disgust when he does show up. I have talked to my friends and family about this many times and of course they are on my team but I want to know if I am just being ridiculous? What do I do?

ALLIE’S ANSWER

Well I can certainly understand why you’re angry. But I do think that you’re in denial of your own feelings. You keep stating that you don’t care and you just want to be able to explain it to the kids but the reality is that you do care. I think it’s perfectly fine to still be mad at him. You two were married, had 3 kids, and have a special bond whether or not you two are still in love with each other. You have this bond because you had a family together.

So you’re trying to figure out why it’s bothering you that he has moved a new girlfriend into his new place. Well let me tell you why you’re bothered, it’s because it is way too soon for him to be moving a new girlfriend into his place. I think the only way you’re going to move on is by accepting that this is something that he’s going to have to answer to your kids now or later on in his life, depending on how old your kids are.

I don’t think you need to worry about how to explain this to your kids. You explain it to them simply by telling them the truth: “Your father has decided he would like to date someone new and they have decided to live together. This was his decision.”

At the end of the day, I think you have to let go of the anger. You two are divorced. There really is nothing left for you to do in this situation. He has decided that it’s time to move on with his life and you should too. You can start a new life with all new beginnings. There is nothing you can do about your ex-husband dating someone new and bringing her into his house for an extended period of time but you can do something about your life. Make some time in your life to do something positive for yourself. When it’s time for you to date someone else, the right man will come along. But until then: enjoy life, enjoy your kids, and enjoy the freedom of not having to be with a man you don’t want to be with.

XO,
Allie


10 Responses to “My Ex Has Moved On, Why Can’t I?”

  1. Danyell says:

    Hi my name is Danyell and I am having some major issues right now. I am not sure if this is ask Alli or where to post this but if it is I need some help. This is my problem. The man that I am in love with has been my nest friend for a long time. About a year and a half ago he helped me out of a abusive relationship with an ex. He and I were hanging out together and he and I realized how we truly felt about each other. At least I know that its truly how I feel about him. Any ways he is married.(bad I know) but he told me that he filed for divorce. I figured that because of how much I felt for him that I could live with being a big secret until the divorce was final. His wife and him have no children together. I asked a couple lawyers how long a divorce takes in MI with no children involved they all told me 3-6 months max. Its been a year! Ok anyways… He also told me that he had got an apartment at this place called Aspen lakes witch is the same place he moved into in 2002 when he got out of the marines and moved out that same year. I have asked him many times if I could come and see him since he always comes to see me but complains about how far my place is. He always says no that’s ok. So we got into an argument about it and I did some spy stuff and called Aspen lakes and had told them that I was calling to confirm residency for one of there residence. They told me they had no record of him since 2002 when he moved out. I confronted him about it and he told me that because he had a mortgage out in his name he didn’t qualify so he had to have his sister put it in her name.(they don’t even get along!) But he “PAID” her to put it in her name. And the reason he never invites me over there is because its empty and he is ashamed of it. I told him I don’t care if there is just a blanket and a deck of cards there I would still love to see it. I find out about four months ago that he is still living with his wife and his reason for that is because he still pays half the bills there and it isn’t as lonely as his apartment. And then on Facebook today I notice one of his comments on his board stated its good he gets joy out of watching his children open gifts. He has a daughter from a previous marriage and she has a daughter from a previous relationship but they have none together. I just want to know if he is still doing things with his”soon to be ex wife” or not because if so I need to protect not only myself but my 3yr old daughter as well. I love him more that I have ever loved any other man and would do ANYTHING for him but I cant be a secret anymore. My daughter just loves him to death and talks about him all the time. I don’t want her to get hurt. PLEASE if there is anything you can do to help please let me know.

    Sincerely
    Danyell

  2. Shauntay says:

    Hey,my name is shauntay and im have a major problem with my man anthony see i’ve first meet anthony on my way home from work and he got my attention he was so charming when i seen him and i thought yes god had answer my prayer when i ask him to send me someone that i could see my self loving,and be with for the rest of my life.but that had changed within three months see anthony’s in the navy and the shipped him off april/2010 and since he had left he use to call me all the time no matter what time it could be send me money, and just talk to make me feel wanted after 4 months went pass he stop calling me, start ignoring my calls, or he say something like this why do i call him so much but damn wht woman is not going to check up on their man especially he’s away from you, than ti thought maybe he’s saying that because they over there workig him to death and he’s just tired he’ll all when he want to talk not making that excuse because it wasnt in the beginning i have been deinal but i just start thinking like damn how much can a woman take if she has to wait till her man calls her so i knew he was up to no good so it will be times where he would call me but it will be like three/four in the morning over here but be like one over there what is he doing that he cant pick up the phone and call his woman so i had by pass that so one day i had called him and it sound like he was inside a bar and he told me he was but he will stay till likke one in the morning knowin he have to work the next morning but oct 31 2010 when he got home i had meet him at the airport and he act like he wasnt happy to see me,than he got his own place ui had moved in with till this day but shit it didn’t get better seems like to me that it has gotten worse because he have to be at work at 9am and didn’t get off till like 7pm that’s what he say but yeah right he come home and only say a few words to me and go in the computer room and stay till like 9/10 hours and come in the room and go bed, he will fuss at me because i didn’t cook, or i ‘ll leave my shoes in the bathroom andm we havent had sex in a whole week im loves him dearly that i don’t want to leave because im afarid that i wouldn’t be able to find someone that’s going love me how i wants to be loved but im tired of treating me the way he’s IM SO SICK OF IT

  3. Crystal says:

    Obviously late to the game… But I think I can give some insight to you ladies.

    I broke up with my second fiancé about 18 months ago. He was literally a sociopath. He was borderline personality/bipolar. We did the on and off thing for almost 2 years. I met him 2 weeks before his 11 year marriage was finalize and about a 1 month after his ex-wife moved out. It was the worse time in my life, but the best goddamn lesson I’ve ever learned. If anyone knows about relationships ending up in collasal failure, it would be this girl.

    Danyell; honey walk away. He doesn’t want to leave his wife, but he still wants you. And that isn’t fair to anybody. You will NEVER be number 1 to this person. He is deceiving and manipulating, and obviously really good at it. You will not find someone to love you, respect you, commit to you and take care of you if you can’t do these three things for yourself first. I assume like the other 110% of the female population in this world, you want unconditional love, fidelity and true companionship. You will not find anyone worth a damn until you find contentment and make peace with yourself and your past. You feel guilty and regretful for the things you’ve been in and the way your life has turned out. Well, you shouldn’t. Lead by example for your little girl, and take charge of your life; because you deserve it. And I GUARANTY you someone who is capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved and more will turn up. And guess what?? You’ll be able to love him in return.

    Shauntay… Wow. Pretty sure this guy had some baseline psychological/emotional issues prior to you meeting him. This and the trauma that was compacted from whatever tour he did only exacerbated things. He’s had a change of heart and changed his mind. I’m sure he does this all the time. It has nothing to do with you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT nor is it your f*ing problem. You say you love him so much and you don’t want to leave… but why wouldn’t you leave? Yeah you love him because maybe you just want someone to have. Maybe he’s the same way only he likes to get a new version a few times a year and you’re more into commitment. Leave him. Don’t waste precious life and time on someone who doesn’t have is life and emotions in order. One day you’ll wake up, in your 50s and think “shit, where did my life go”. As I told Danyell, please love yourself and make yourself well. You will not find anyone on our level if you keep walking around God’s green earth with your head hung down in shame over some stupid shit that happened in the past. F* the past and move one because you are better than that and there is someone out there who deserves you; flawed and all.

    Last but not lease; I wanted to save this for the first post (no name). This comes from the girl who was kind of “the other woman”. As previously stated, I met my ex when he had just ended his 11 year marriage. He and this woman were together from when they were 15 up until their divorce. He still loved her. He said he loved me, but he didn’t . Same with this new girl your ex has at his place. I’m sure by now he’s probably on #3?? See, most men or people in general are codependent. I’m sure you’ve heard this before. Just like the other two men the previous women posted about, he just wanted a warm body and wet hole next to him for convenience. It doesn’t matter who or what as long as it is NOW. She is the rebound; that he can tolerate until he needs to upgrade much like a cell phone unfortunately. I know because I was that warm body. My ex was miserable, was honestly mentally ill and refused to get help, be accountable and be truthful to himself. You’re ex is going to have a hard realization one of these days when he looks in the mirror and cannot recognize the face he looks at. Not only will he have to answer to your children when they are older but he will have to answer to himself. And maybe he won’t. Some people do not care and dispose of others just as easy as they picked them up. I understand how much it hurts you to see him move on so quickly. It is devastating. It happened to me after my “contract” was up. But he is going to keep doing this and it has nothing to do with you. This is all homeboy and his internal bull shit. Don’t was your life wondering if he ever loved you or not and the whole “if he loved me how could he move on so quickly” because he cares about himself and his carnal needs more than he has or ever will care about anybody. This isn’t something you cause, he was just made this way.

    All you ladies will be a better person for the shit that goes on in your life; if you finally put it out on the table and are completely honest with yourselves. There needs to be forgiveness; for you. Shit happens and we all f* up. Show me the person who hasn’t so I can punch them in the mouth and give them an issue so they can take their place in line with the rest of us. Grow your back bone, learn to be smarter and DO NOT have your happiness depend on some dick; figuratively and literally speaking. I truly hope you all are on a completely different and beautiful path now.

  4. Sad face says:

    Ahamad Dickerson from ing is a dog! Living another life!

  5. musa says:

    hey okay so me and my boyfriend broke up about 7 months 2 weeks ago and iv tryed to move on with out him but its hard to sometimes i do think he has moved on but i cant find the reason why he stills on my mind and every song reminds me of him and when people talk about seeing him some where i get a smile and think maybe he asked about me and sometimes he does he asked how im doing but thats it. I cant help but miss him and sometimes even i brake down crying for him I just miss him and i have a new boyfriend we have been together for 1 month and 2 weeks me and my ex broke up for a stupied fight we had and thats it i mean we didn’t have the best relationship in the world but iv never felt the way iv felt for him he was the guy that i wanted to end up with we planned on having kids and getting married he was building a house in mexico just the way i wanted it he was planning to marry me when i would finish school. we even lived together for most of our relationship he rented a room in my moms house thats how we meet and he had me the moment i layed my eyes on him and he told me that the moment he saw me he knew he wanted to be with me i know I’m living in the past but the memories is all i have left of him and no other guy seems to get to me like he did I mean he was everything i ever wanted but when we broke up we started to talk again on facebook it even seemed that we would get back together soon but then he did the worst thing ever a guy could do he asked out my friend she told me right away of course but when i told him about it he said i only did it to see what she would say but i wouldn’t have dated her. He hurt me so much that i disided to delete him from any contact whats so ever and he got mad at me for deleting him on facebook and all conections we had then 5 months later he added me on facebook i accepted him we started to talk about or lives and how they been since the brake up we started to have a good friendship again but know in then i cant help but wonder if he ever got over me or is he still in love with me like i am then i did the stupied thing a little days ago i asked him why was the reason why he broke up with me he didn’t have a reason why he wouldn’t really anwser my question’s so i got frustrated and he got mad we bitched each other out and stopped talking again i haven’t deleted him and im not going to i think know thats kind of immature know that i look back on it but i know this for a fact since we broke up he drinks a lot and does a lot of drugs since then and when we were together he didn’t do drugs smoke he would drink but not on reguler basies and he shows me he cares still at times but i don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to do things i shouldn’t like he is or because he still feels something for me and when we last talked he told me that he just didn’t want to keep hurting me so it was best to leave it like that i know thats a bad way to tell someone i don’t want to be with you because i used to do say this to people i didn’t want to be with but it still hurts because I’m in love with him and I’m not sure if he is or he just doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore I sometimes feel he does want to be with me but then i feel like he’s over with it and done I love the kid but my heart wont let me move on no matter what i do or say and my new boyfriend is great he would do anything just to see me smile and i now he diserve’s better and i should want him but i just cant because im still in love with my ex and no matter what i try he’s still the guy that has my heart i just dont know what to do but move on please help im just so confused if i should wait for him or move on i think it would be better to move on but i just cant my heart wont let me it tells me hold on a little longer u’ll see he’ll come back and my head tells me move on stupied he’s not worth it anymore look at everything his put you through i tryed my heads advice it just got me lost and confused but then my hearts advice hurts me to so i dont know who to take advice from HELP ME please!!! I’m i just crasy or is there still something there to keep fighting for?

    • rich says:

      There is nothing to keep fighting for, except your sanity. you really need to seriously consider getting counseling. You need to get your head straight and see what you really want to do with your life. He has played with your head and you have played with your head. Get straight, and get moving on with making a happy life for yourself.

  6. Molvic Angus says:

    Please do you have a shop in the Uk ?

  7. joyce says:

    Hi my name is Joyce I just recently got out of a relationship with Nathaniel Barnes Jr. he continuously cheated on me stole from me lied to me even put his hands on me. I found out at the end of our relationship he was also messing with a minor for the past three years the girl just turned seventeen this year. I know all about sociopaths and he truly is one he is on probation and is not trying to change himself. I still have love for him and care about him however I know that me and my children deserve better. Yes it seems like it will never happen but we have to be strong and stop searching let the right one find us. Ladies be strong and keep your heads up never settle for less than what you deserve.

  8. kiesha says:

    hi my name is kiesha ive been off and on wit someone for 7 years we have one daughter together we argue all tha time and he tells me he loves me all the time but i dont belive him. he have cheated on me in tha past and i think hes wit someone now but he denies it every time i ask him and i want to be with him but i dont think he want to be with me

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