My Ex Has Moved On, Why Can’t I?

Dear Allie,

I have a problem in my life right now and I could use some third-party advice without judgment. I was together with my ex-husband for 4 years and together we have two children. We had our oldest daughter when we were in our early twenties and we were on again, off again for a few years after that. As soon as I moved on (kind of) with another man, he came back into my life talking about how he wants his family back. Things didn’t work out with the other man so I slowly allowed him back into my life and eventually made it official.

About a year ago, I got pregnant and our families urged us to get married since we have two kids and we had a shotgun wedding. Looking back on it, we did not get married for the right reasons. To make this long story short, we got divorced less than a year ago and before that we were separated for 3 months. He moved out and within 6 months, he is not only dating a new girl but he has moved her into his new place. I’m trying to figure out why this is bothering me so much!

I don’t know if he was cheating on me and at this point, I don’t really care. What I do care about is that I have to explain this to our kids! They ask me the questions instead of asking him. I don’t even have time to see someone else right now so I do not understand how in the world he has the time to start dating someone new and have her move in with him. Why is he so easily able to move on but I can’t?

This situation is really angering me and I’m starting to resent him a lot but I try my best to stay civil for the sake of our kids. I do not want to see his face at our daughter’s soccer and basketball games and I’m sure my face shows my disgust when he does show up. I have talked to my friends and family about this many times and of course they are on my team but I want to know if I am just being ridiculous? What do I do?

ALLIE’S ANSWER

Well I can certainly understand why you’re angry. But I do think that you’re in denial of your own feelings. You keep stating that you don’t care and you just want to be able to explain it to the kids but the reality is that you do care. I think it’s perfectly fine to still be mad at him. You two were married, had 3 kids, and have a special bond whether or not you two are still in love with each other. You have this bond because you had a family together.

So you’re trying to figure out why it’s bothering you that he has moved a new girlfriend into his new place. Well let me tell you why you’re bothered, it’s because it is way too soon for him to be moving a new girlfriend into his place. I think the only way you’re going to move on is by accepting that this is something that he’s going to have to answer to your kids now or later on in his life, depending on how old your kids are.

I don’t think you need to worry about how to explain this to your kids. You explain it to them simply by telling them the truth: “Your father has decided he would like to date someone new and they have decided to live together. This was his decision.”

At the end of the day, I think you have to let go of the anger. You two are divorced. There really is nothing left for you to do in this situation. He has decided that it’s time to move on with his life and you should too. You can start a new life with all new beginnings. There is nothing you can do about your ex-husband dating someone new and bringing her into his house for an extended period of time but you can do something about your life. Make some time in your life to do something positive for yourself. When it’s time for you to date someone else, the right man will come along. But until then: enjoy life, enjoy your kids, and enjoy the freedom of not having to be with a man you don’t want to be with.

XO,
Allie


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