I Cheated And Don’t Know What To Do

5/2/12

Dear Allie,

I am in love with a woman. Let me mention, I’m a female and she has never dated a female before.

When we first started seeing each other, she would express to me how much she was into me. It was too good to be true, I thought to myself. So I asked her to get my name on her body; she did it but still, I was like “this is too good to be true” because she was everything I wanted and more.

To make this quick, I cheated on her and after that, she switched her whole demeanor. All she does is curse me out and gets mad at petty things. She doesn’t clean anymore and rarely cooks; it’s terrible. She hasn’t introduced me to her mom yet. She rarely tells me she loves me. I do everything in my power to please her. When we are on good terms, it’s great. Her excuse to me is she’s afraid of getting hurt again because she felt like she did everything she was supposed to in the beginning and I turned around and cheated so she says it’s going to be the same outcome whether she treats me good or bad. I love her a lot and I really want to be with her but I don’t know what to do.

I admit I cheated a few times only because I feel unwanted. She tells me she just wants to mess around with me and not be in a relationship but she practically lives with me. Deep down, I feel she cares about me. But I’m not 100% sure what to do. She means the world to me. She is also in contact with her ex, which she says they are just cool.

Like I mentioned, overall, she is great. She doesn’t party or go missing. She’s very strong-minded. I’m so confused on what to do. I have cheated a few times like I’ve mentioned and when I did cheat, I did it in our bed.

She seems to be scared that I might hurt her. I don’t know. If she doesn’t want me, why stick around? I don’t have anything financially. All I have is my apartment. If she needed to stay anywhere, she could, no problem. Help me. I’m just so confused.

ALLIE’S ANSWER

You obviously hurt her a lot when you cheated. Her entire demeanor changed, which is to be expected. It sounds like she was falling in love with you and you broke the trust between you two, with your cheating. Trust is like a piece of paper, once it’s crumpled, it can’t ever be perfect again.

It sounds like you need to take some responsibility for your actions and let her know that you are taking responsibility and that you will do whatever it takes to regain her trust. The fact that you say that you only cheated because you felt unwanted is you not taking responsibility for your actions; you’re wanting to blame this on something else. Let’s remember that you chose to do this. There are better ways to deal with your feelings of unwantedness than by cheating on your girlfriend.

On a positive note, the fact that she’s staying around probably means that she sees something in this relationship that she doesn’t want to let go. It’s going to be a long road but if you can slowly regain her trust and she can move forward with forgiveness and put this behind her, your relationship could end up stronger than ever.

XO,
Allie

P.S. Get a new bed, new sheets, new blanket, and some new pillows. Trust me.



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