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Not Having Sex & Always On Phone, Is My Husband Cheating?

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Dear Allie,

My husband and I have been married for about 8 months and for those 8 months that we have been married, we’ve just had intercourse 4-5 times.  He stopped having intercourse with me about 4 months ago and now every time I mention the topic to him, he gets so mad at me and he has been telling me that if I am not happy, leave. 

I have caught him getting up at 1:30 AM, 4 AM looking at his phone.  About 2 months ago, I looked at his phone and saw him and his former female boss’ conversation and he called her “sunshine.”  They had this sweet conversation and when she moved to night shift, then my husband started getting up at 1:30 AM.

Also, he’s been getting so angry with me about the smallest things.  He leaves home very early but his work is 8 minutes away.  His work starts at 8:40 AM and sometimes he leaves before 8:00 AM.  When I ask him about it, he just states hat he wants to hang out with the guys at work and when I ask more questions, he tells me that if I don’t trust him and I think he is doing something wrong, leave.  He says that the door is always open for me to leave. 

Recently I found out that he has another email account and when I asked him about it, he denies it and tells me I am crazy; he gets so mad at me.  He has been telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore but he is denying that he has someone else.

It’s not very easy for me to leave cause I don’t work because he didn’t want me to work.  I have no car (I had a car before but he told me to sell my car).  So please give me advice on whether or not he is cheating on me?

-Depressed & Hurt

Dear Depressed & Hurt,

This is going to be a hard one to write because I have been there before!  But let’s get into the facts of what you have told me.

First, not having sex is usually a pretty clear indicator of issues in a marriage.  There can always be extenuating circumstances (e.g. job stress, health issues, etc.) but the fact that he gets mad at you and tells you to leave if you’re not happy when you try to discuss an issue you’re having, is not good for a healthy marriage.  Your happiness should mean something to your husband; a marriage is about starting a life journey together and both of your feelings should matter equally.

Secondly, looking at his phone throughout the night is not a good sign either- seriously who needs to talk to someone that late at night?  Unless he is a doctor & on-call or it’s required of his job, I see absolutely no reason why anyone would need to be on their phone that late at night, period the end.  No good (secret) conversations happen that late at night.

Your husband is getting angry with you about everything when in reality, if he didn’t have anything to hide, he should just be able to answer your questions calmly (& of course within reason- we shouldn’t have to be interrogated 24 hours a day about our daily whereabouts) but the fact that he is unable to stay calm seems to highly indicate that he’s lying about whatever it is he is doing.

My advice to you is to get a game plan together as to what you are going to do with your own individual life.  If he truly does not want to be with you, then you do not want to stay with him!  You are worth having someone care about you as much as you care about them.  You need to figure out what your financial plan is going to be (for example, do you have family you can stay with until you find a job? Do you have money saved up? Are you in a no-fault state?  Because if you aren’t, you may be able to gather legal evidence of his infidelity and present it in court.).

I know none of this is easy to hear but sometimes, it’s better to know the truth because worrying about infidelity can literally suck the life out of you and consume your mind 24-7.  It isn’t healthy mentally and physically and can wear down a person so much.  Gather your evidence by conducting your own investigation.  There are phone software products that will pull up deleted messages and pictures plus much more information, in addition to other surveillance tools (Disclaimer: Check the laws in your individual state or country).  Sometimes we make excuses for the other person’s behavior because we love that person so much but hard evidence of infidelity is impossible to make an excuse for.

To conclude, I hope you focus on what good things the future could hold if you let go of all of this negativity in your life.  I have been right there with you and I know it’s a dark place.  You thought you would be together for better or for worse but when the marriage covenant is broken & one party is unwilling to work on it, you just have to move on because there’s a better life waiting for you out there.  Psychology research tells us that you can’t make anybody want to do anything; they have to want to do it themselves.  So at the end of the day, we can only rely on ourselves; other people will always be unpredictable and uncontrollable.  One thing I know for sure though is that when there’s a will, there’s a way!  Best of luck to you.

XO, Allie

Email me your infidelity & relationship questions here: AskAllie@Cheaters.com

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I Found My Husband On Dating & Hookup Sites, Is He Cheating?

2-3-aDear Allie,

My husband and I have been together 3 years, married for 2! We have a beautiful 9-month old daughter together! When I was around 5 months pregnant, I went through his phone and found him talking to girls but he said that they were just friends he worked with.

Since then, I have caught him on porn sites, dating sites, F*ckbook, live porn shows, and this & that. I have seen “[Cams dot com]”on our bank records and I asked him about it. He said he bought me a camera. I didn’t believe it so I checked it out and came to find out it was live porn chat he was paying for! Meanwhile I’m his pregnant wife!

One night I took him out with friends and wanted to go home to have “us time,” but he said he didn’t feel like it. So I laid in bed for about an hour acting like I was asleep. Then I hear him sneaking off the bed. I give him a minute and roll over and ask him what he’s doing. He said throwing a tissue away as he is throwing his phone on the bed. I grab it and see it was porn on his phone. So I reach down and he is exposed and erect so I was like “yeah, you’re really throwing something away.” We fought, he took his phone and slammed it on the ground and shattered it then had me (5 months pregnant) shoved up on the wall yelling at me because I caught him.

I couldn’t trust him and I still can’t trust him because I’ve caught him on it multiple times after. Three days after I had our daughter, he was on two of his ex girlfriends’ Facebook pages! I was beyond hurt! He thinks I overreact but I don’t because it hurts me! I couldn’t trust him around our daughter because his addiction as calls it, was so bad! He is checking girls out all the time now. Deleting his history and text messages. Hides his phone whenever someone calls and when I ask who it is, he says “don’t worry about it, you’re too nosy!”

He has been really distant lately, coming home from work and getting directly in the shower. He says he is too tired to have sex when I want to or he just flat out says “no!” and that hurts my feelings and is embarrassing!

Do you think he is cheating on me? We fight every day and are never happy anymore.

-Confused & Hurt

Dear Confused & Hurt,

First and foremost, any man that lays a hand on a pregnant woman is no respectable man. Secondly, a cheater will ALWAYS deny, deny, deny! Getting defensive is a good indication you are not being told the truth. I can definitely understand your trust issues, especially when you have indicated to him that what he is doing is inappropriate and he is still continuing his illicit activities.

Now as to your question of whether or not he is cheating is dependent on what you define as cheating in your marriage. You have already stated that he has been on dating websites (which by the way, why would you need to be on a dating site if you are married? Dating sites are for single people for anyone wondering.) and even a “hook-up” dating site where people go to find others to have sex with! It’s difficult for me to state that he has physically committed adultery if there is no proof of him doing it, for example, you have video evidence of your husband hooking up with another woman. However, if you consider being on these types of sites as adultery, then yes, he has committed adultery in your marriage!

Like you’ll see on our show, cheaters will be presented with video evidence of their cheating ways and still try to deny the facts. My advice to you is to gather your evidence and see for yourself what your husband is doing when you aren’t around but make sure to gather your evidence first before you approach him because it sounds like he will most certainly get angry and irrational. Get your plan together as to what you will do if you do find proof of his infidelity before you approach him and try to stay as calm as possible when approaching him with any evidence found. You have a right to know what’s going on in your marriage!

XO,
Allie

Email me your relationship & infidelity questions: AskAllie@Cheaters.com

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Is My Boyfriend Of Three Years Cheating On Me?

man texting- ask allie- 8-19-13Dear Allie,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and I feel that he’s cheating on me. There were a few times in the past he has asked girls for pictures. I confronted him about it and he denied it. Then when we had a computer, I would see a lot of porn sites. He said those were pop-ups but pop-ups don’t show on your history. He’s always out late at night. It takes him forever to text me back when he is out. I have to call him over and over to get a hold of him. Just recently, he said he was curious as to what was on F*ckbook. He said he didn’t know they showed nude pictures. We have kids together. He won’t let me go with him to his friends. He calls girls sexy names like that. He told my friend (he didn’t know at the time she was my friend) that he was in a relationship but we are having problems. He even asked her for pictures. I see him hugging his female friends- they’re not friendly hugs. This has been going on most of our relationship.

I love him. That’s why I haven’t left him. Am I just overreacting or is he cheating or thinking about it? When I confront him about anything, he denies it. I know this is all over the place. I’m just stressing that he’s cheating on me and just using me. Because I pay rent, his phone bill, for his cigarettes, and whatever else he needs. Sometimes when I call him, he won’t even say “I love you” to me. I’m so worried. My friends and family are telling me he is cheating and that I should of left him.

Stressed

Dear Stressed,

I think we, as women, sometimes don’t know if we are overreacting about a situation or if we have legitimate concerns that need to be discussed and solved, whatever the outcome may be. In your case, I would definitely have to say the latter. If your man hasn’t cheated already, he’s planning on cheating on you in the future. Maybe he doesn’t know with whom yet or when it’s going to take place but his behavior indicates that he is looking outside of the relationship for “romantic fun.”

Your boyfriend of 3 years and father of your children is asking other girls for pictures, asked YOUR FRIEND for pictures, is looking around on F*ckbook (which let’s be honest, the name in itself pretty much explains exactly what the site is), won’t let you see his friends, calls other girls sexy names, and is always going out without you. Is it cheating? I guess that would depend on your definition but in my book, that kind of stuff is not okay.

Every couple has their own lines that they have to draw as to what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior in their relationship. I don’t suggest trying to control your boyfriend’s every move but the two of you need to have a serious talk about your relationship and why your boyfriend feels the need to have all of this “romantic fun” outside of your relationship. If he’s completely unwilling to stop his inappropriate behavior and shows no sign of change in the days that follow, I surely hope you will be strong and tell him to hit the road! It will be hard at first but it’s better than always wondering what he’s doing, where’s he at, who he’s with, who he’s talking to on the phone, who he’s messaging online… ALL THE TIME. I’ve been there before! It isn’t fun and seriously, stress kills. Although heartbreak isn’t fun either, it is temporary. If your boyfriend continues on with his inappropriate behavior, you are always going to be stressed and worried. Plus, all of that stress on you is going to affect your kids.

There will always be someone else. Don’t waste your time, money, and energy on someone who doesn’t care about you and your feelings whatsoever. Your family and friends want you to leave him because he doesn’t treat you right. If he doesn’t want to shape up his behavior and start acting like a boyfriend, then he should be single. If he wants to continue to be with you, he will straighten out his behavior. It’s that simple. The choice is his.

And remember, denial is the most common human response.

XO,
Allie

P.S. Have any of you ever been in this situation before? How did you handle it? Respond in the comments below.

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Am I Just Paranoid Or Is He Cheating?

10/15/12

Dear Allie,

I have been married to my husband for two years. Recently, I found out shortly after my birthday, I was pregnant. I’ve been pregnant before and it did not end well, so we have been scared for what may happen.

One night, around three weeks ago, I had fallen asleep in our living room on our sleeper sofa bed whilst watching “Doctor Who.” My husband usually messes around on the computer when this happens so I continued to sleep, figuring as long as he was entertained, I was free to sleep. I had probably been sleeping for a couple of hours when I hear what sounds like an instant message noise. You know, that little annoying “bleep-bleep-bloop” noise. I got up, looked over and saw a conversation with another woman about being in her bed. This was on the “Tagged” website. Funny thing is, he did not even seem to notice me nor care I was sleeping right next to him. I watched the conversation progress and finally I physically attacked him, which I regret. I was pregnant and feeling very betrayed. When confronted, I asked him to leave and he refused because he was only “trying to make friends.” While that conversation did seem to be flirtatious only on his part, it still hurt a lot. The same day in the late afternoon, I found text messages from a girl named Krystal on his phone saying, “When you are a big time certified engineer, we will need to hook up ;)”

I feel like I know for sure what is going on but I feel crazy, like I am trying to find something wrong, or maybe being pregnant is just getting the better of me. It isn’t just me, is it?

ALLIE’S ANSWER:

You aren’t crazy, it isn’t the pregnancy hormones and your husband needs to stop this behavior immediately because it’s completely unacceptable.  You have the proof you need of his unacceptable behavior so sit down with him and have a (calm) discussion with him about how this behavior needs to end and never happen again.  Best of luck to you.

XO,
Allie



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What Do I Do About My Fiance’s Female Friend Constantly Calling At Inappropriate Times?

Dear Allie,

I have a problem with one of my fiance’s friends whom happens to be married to another friend of his. Her name is “Barbie” and she almost always calls us up at 6 AM or later to pick her up from a bar. One of the 2 big issues I have with this woman is that she constantly acts like a drunk whore when she is out in the bars. She constantly preys on other men and gets them to buy her drinks. Plus, she starts drama. Her BS is ruining my relationship because I can’t deal with her constantly calling MY fiance to pick her up. I can’t fathom why she can’t ask her husband or family to pick her up.

ALLIE’S ANSWER:

Wow, you have more patience than I think I’ve ever had in my life! You need to lay down the law. It is completely inappropriate for your fiance’s female friend to be calling him (and/or you) to pick her up from bars at all hours of the night. Let your fiance know that this needs to stop immediately. Tell her to call a cab if she needs a ride!

XO,
Allie



Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net