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Ask Allie- Why Is My Wife of 17 Years Suddenly So Unhappy and Secretive?

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Dear Allie,

My wife of 17 years and I separated back in August due to her claiming she was unhappy.  I asked her if there was another person and of course she said no, but over the last two months, she has stated to me and our children that she wants to fix things but she shows no action.  Lately I have been checking phone records and she is getting calls at all hours of the night and two numbers in particular keep coming up.

My gut and intuition has told me that something ain’t right from the beginning.  She won’t even tell me what she is unhappy about and just keeps saying that she needs time and space and she moved out a little over a month ago.  Any help is appreciated.

-Husband Needing Advice

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Dear Husband Needing Advice,

First and foremost, it is so tough to not know (or have any idea of) what went wrong in your marriage of seventeen years, besides that your wife is “unhappy.”  I can only imagine how hurt and frustrated you are.

When a partner stonewalls (i.e. stops communicating), it is a difficult situation because the partner wanting answers is inclined to press even further with their questions while the stonewalling partner is less likely to give answers the more they are pushed. With this being said, you have to look out for yourself, and if your wife is not willing to give you any answers, the first thing you need to do is decide if you want to try and work on your marriage (and whatever it is that has made your wife so unhappy) or if you are seeking closure.

Clearly your wife is hiding something but as to whether or not she is seeing another person- signs point to “possibly.”  Infidelity would explain your wife’s sudden unexplained departure from your home and the mysterious phone numbers at all hours of the night.  This would also explain why your wife is stonewalling you with no explanation for her behavior.  If she is cheating, she cannot explain her behavior (aka what is making her so unhappy) without being ready to tell the truth about her affair.  If the affair is still in the “new” stage and she is unsure of her future with this other man, she is probably not ready to let go of her bond with you yet either.  You are her husband of seventeen years- she has a strong emotional attachment to you plus children involved.  It is very possible that she is not ready to deal with the consequences of her actions.  This would explain her stating she wants to work on the marriage while showing no action towards working on it.  However without definitive proof, it is difficult to say whether or not your wife is 100% having an extramarital affair.

If you are unable to uncover the identities of the two mysterious phone numbers, there are other tools you can utilize to conduct your own investigation so you can find out the truth as to why your wife is being so secretive and left your marriage so abruptly without explanation.  You deserve to know the truth.

If closure is what you are looking for, it will come with time, whether or not you get answers from your wife.  Focus your attention on your own wellbeing and children, instead of focusing your energy on your wife and what went wrong.  Of course this is easier said than done but time always heals all wounds.  Best of luck to you.

XO,
Allie

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Ask Allie- Is My Gut Instinct Right About My Husband’s Behavior?

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Dear Allie,

My husband and I have been together for 10 years.  A few months ago, I discovered that he had been texting a girl he works with and received some pics as well.  Well, he swears that they were just friends and not even that anymore.  There have been some lies including even her name, that she got fired, and several other things.  

Well, we separated for about a week and he changed his passwords to everything.  When I would call, sometimes he would give me the run around about where he was.  He even seemed to get me confused with someone else while texting and start talking about things we were not talking about.  I even caught them at the same place together trying to leave at the same time, which he lied about too and tried to say he wasn’t there even though I saw them with my own eyes.  

All of this is complicated because we do have two kids together.  He tries to make me feel like I am imagining things and that there is no relationship with the other girl, but my gut says it isn’t.  Could I be making more out of the situation than there is to it?

-A Worried Wife

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Dear Worried Wife,

There is something fishy going on between your husband and this other girl.  You have already caught your husband in several lies about this one specific girl and caught the two of them at the same place together leaving at the same time.  He has managed to get you confused with someone else while on the phone with you & while texting you (even though you are his WIFE of 10 years and you two were only separated for 1 week)!  You are not crazy; you are intuitive and picking up on “facts” that don’t add up in the stories he is telling you.

It takes a great amount of mental and physical energy to carry on a secret life.  It is so easy to get conversations and events confused when you are having to keep track of two lives in addition to all of the lies that have been told.  Cheaters will always deny, deny, deny!  Even when you give them undeniable proof, they will still try to lie (as seen on numerous cases on our show).  A cheater is a liar and a liar is going to lie.  

While I cannot say that your husband is 100% cheating on you (& only because there is no hard evidence of the affair, for example, video proof, audio recordings, phone/ text message records, etc.), all of the signs indicate that your husband is engaged in an inappropriate relationship with this other girl because otherwise, there would be no reason for him to lie to you and act this way if the relationship was appropriate.  If you want to find out the truth as to what really is going on between your husband and this other girl, the next step is to collect your own evidence (always abide by your individual state and/or country’s laws regarding evidence collection).  Keep in mind that our gut instinct is right almost 100% of the time.

Many couples are able to survive infidelity and come out even stronger in the end but the truth has to be out in the open first.  I wish you the best of luck.

XO, Allie

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Ask Allie- What Do I Do About My Husband Engaging In Shady Behavior?

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Dear Allie,

I have been with my husband for the past ten years.  This is the second time I think he is cheating on me.  This time more so than ever.

He checks out other women right in front of me and doesn’t care about being discreet at all.  He’s constantly on his phone whether he’s talking or texting on social media or regular phone calls.  He knows I have caught girls sending him pictures.  He has changed his passwords to all of his accounts and to his phone.  He is now sleeping with his phone instead of it being on the charger on the nightstand.  It really isn’t rocket science.  It’s quite obvious.  But people say I’m crazy so as an outsider who doesn’t know either one of us… Am I crazy or is it just the plain truth? 

What I can’t stand is that I want a divorce and he doesn’t, why is that?  I’m sorry but I’m not a fan of having your cake and eating it too!  I just want him to leave me alone.  He says we are married and not the boyfriend/girlfriend type of deal.  I say exactly so stop the sh*t.  We have three kids and I’m ready to up and leave but he’s quick to tell them bad things about me just to make me stay and not turn them against me.  So I don’t know what to do.  Don’t know where to turn to.  I have no support.  He’s a good liar so everyone believes him and thinks I’m the crazy one.  I just don’t know anymore.  I’m ready to jump off a bridge!

-Fed Up Wife

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Dear Fed Up Wife,

You aren’t crazy- your intuition is making you feel this way based upon facts you have seen with your own two eyes and experienced firsthand.  Your husband is clearly engaged in shady, disrespectful behavior.  No married man needs to be getting photos from other girls (that are intimate in nature) and girls do not just send a man their intimate photos unless they are pursuing some sort of intimate relationship with him.  Changing passwords, sleeping with his phone on him, and constantly being on his mobile phone while awake are all very tell-tale signs of infidelity.

Your husband doesn’t want a divorce because he doesn’t want to lose you.  It may seem contradictory for him to want to contact other women (as a “single” man) and still keep you around but this happens time and time again in marriages affected by infidelity.  The cheating party wants to explore other options but doesn’t want to lose their main option in the process.  The real problem is that you are now an option in his life and that is extremely disrespectful to you as his wife and your marriage.  You both made a choice to marry each other and successful marriages require full commitment from both parties.

Now as to what you two consider infidelity in your marriage is a separate story.  You have every right to draw your line as to what the cheating boundary is in your marriage but this must be communicated clearly to your husband.  If your husband doesn’t agree with your boundaries, you will have to decide if this is something you can live with or if you need to make changes in your life.

Please don’t jump off of a bridge because of HIS stupidity and disrespectful decisions.  I know how hard this can be, especially mentally, and the urge to have all of your problems go away is tempting but you have three kids together.  This isn’t just about you and him unfortunately (& fortunately).  Many couples are able to work through infidelity but the truth MUST be out in the open, with the guilty party admitting that they have done wrong and willing to correct their wrongdoing.  Then healing can begin and many times, couples come out even stronger and more in love than before.   

If your husband is unwilling to admit to his disrespectful and shady behavior, next step is to collect undeniable evidence of his infidelity and then decide what you need to do for yourself and your children.  The answer at that point may be to confront him with the undeniable evidence or you may decide it is time for you to move on with your life, without him.

At the end of the day, the decision is yours to make.  I wish you the best.

XO, Allie

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Dear Allie,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and I feel that he’s cheating on me.

He works as an installer of kitchen counter tops (marble, granite), so almost every day he is out in the streets going to empty houses [for work], apartments, houses with people, very nice homes, beachfront houses, and very expensive apartments.

I have a feeling that he meets women either on the way to work, around work, or at work. He is an insecure person that needs attention from ANY women so he likes to flirt and call the attention. He happens to be very well built. He does take care of his looks, he lets weights and is fit, so he does not need too much in order for women to look at him.

I am a lot older than him but don’t look my age. He gets really jealous if a man talks to me or if I happen to see another guy. Before he used to live alone and I went through his phone and found him talking to several girls. He was on several dating websites but he denied it and he cheated on me with another girl, which I confronted him about and he stopped. Then after a car accident, he moved in with me. Now he lives with me in my house. He is checking out girls all the time and he acts like he is single.

He says that he loves me and that he is with me because he loves me and that I am his life, but I have the feeling that he is still very much cheating. He is using my iPhone because my company provides me with a company phone

so I gave it to him so he doesn’t have the extra expense. I am able to check his phone calls, texts, and now his location (and he knows it). But his company provided him with a work phone for during the day that he has only brought home twice because I checked it before and started asking questions. He got really angry and said that he is not the only one using the phone, blah, blah, blah, to the point that I told him if he does not let me check his phone, he cannot check my work phone either. I don’t have a problem with him checking my work phone because I do not have anything to hide, but now he makes sure he does not bring his work phone home so I am almost sure that he uses the company phone once he gets to work to talk to his other women.

When he is on the way to do an installation, he does not drive and has a driver. So he has the time to talk to anyone during the duration of the trip. The trip can be anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours, one-way. I have a feeling that during the transportation and work day, he is talking to other women on the company phone.

I don’t have a way to check his work phone and when I tell him what I think, he said that he is not doing that but I do have my doubts because one day we crossed each other’s paths on a street and because he was not driving, he could not see him but I saw him and he was texting. When I asked him who he was texting, he said “Oh no, I was putting the address into Mapquest for where we were going.” I don’t believe him because he was smiling when he was texting. I think he might be on dating sites from his work phone. And he carries my phone with him also. He makes sure that he doesn’t call me from his work phone. So basically I am between a rock and a hard place.

I love him. That’s why I haven’t left him, but all of this is driving me crazy and I would like to know the truth. I hate lies and basically I don’t have the time to spend if he is playing me. I really need your advice. Is my boyfriend cheating on me?

-Don’t Know What To Do

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Dear Don’t Know What To Do,

From what you’ve told me, there is clearly a lack of trust in the relationship (rightfully so), which is not an easy battle to overcome. Unfortunately, your boyfriend has given you plenty of reasons to not trust him (esp. since he’s cheated on you before and you’ve caught him). But rebuilding trust is possible. However, it is a two-way street and both parties have to be willing to put forth effort to make this relationship work and heal.

But first, in order to rebuild trust, the truth needs to be out in the open first. You cannot rebuild trust based off of lies.

If you are looking to find out the truth behind his shady behavior, there is phone and PC monitoring software that will be able to give you your answers quickly. The Android Recovery Stick (or iRecovery Stick for iPhones and iPads) is a great recovery software that will recover everything on the phone or tablet device, including deleted text messages, call logs, and emails.* You deserve to know the truth.

If this relationship is important to the both of you and you both want to work at it, there has to be transparency between the two of you. At the end of the day, your boyfriend can do what he wants (he is a grown man), but that does not mean he is free from consequences. You do NOT have to put up with the lack of respect he has for you and your feelings. That is your right. There are men out there who do not have a problem with their women looking through their phone, because they have nothing to hide. There are men that WANT to be faithful to you, especially a woman who is equally faithful back.

I wish you the best of luck. Rebuilding trust can be a long process but it is very much possible to rebuild trust between two people who truly want to make the relationship work.

XO, Allie

*Only use phone & PC monitoring software on devices that you own. End-user assumes all liability of device and purchased software. The amount of deleted information that can be retrieved will depend on the phone’s hard drive size and how much memory has already been consumer. Please visit Cheaters Spy Shop for more information.
 
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