Ask Allie- What Do I Do About My Husband Engaging In Shady Behavior?

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Dear Allie,

I have been with my husband for the past ten years.  This is the second time I think he is cheating on me.  This time more so than ever.

He checks out other women right in front of me and doesn’t care about being discreet at all.  He’s constantly on his phone whether he’s talking or texting on social media or regular phone calls.  He knows I have caught girls sending him pictures.  He has changed his passwords to all of his accounts and to his phone.  He is now sleeping with his phone instead of it being on the charger on the nightstand.  It really isn’t rocket science.  It’s quite obvious.  But people say I’m crazy so as an outsider who doesn’t know either one of us… Am I crazy or is it just the plain truth? 

What I can’t stand is that I want a divorce and he doesn’t, why is that?  I’m sorry but I’m not a fan of having your cake and eating it too!  I just want him to leave me alone.  He says we are married and not the boyfriend/girlfriend type of deal.  I say exactly so stop the sh*t.  We have three kids and I’m ready to up and leave but he’s quick to tell them bad things about me just to make me stay and not turn them against me.  So I don’t know what to do.  Don’t know where to turn to.  I have no support.  He’s a good liar so everyone believes him and thinks I’m the crazy one.  I just don’t know anymore.  I’m ready to jump off a bridge!

-Fed Up Wife

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Dear Fed Up Wife,

You aren’t crazy- your intuition is making you feel this way based upon facts you have seen with your own two eyes and experienced firsthand.  Your husband is clearly engaged in shady, disrespectful behavior.  No married man needs to be getting photos from other girls (that are intimate in nature) and girls do not just send a man their intimate photos unless they are pursuing some sort of intimate relationship with him.  Changing passwords, sleeping with his phone on him, and constantly being on his mobile phone while awake are all very tell-tale signs of infidelity.

Your husband doesn’t want a divorce because he doesn’t want to lose you.  It may seem contradictory for him to want to contact other women (as a “single” man) and still keep you around but this happens time and time again in marriages affected by infidelity.  The cheating party wants to explore other options but doesn’t want to lose their main option in the process.  The real problem is that you are now an option in his life and that is extremely disrespectful to you as his wife and your marriage.  You both made a choice to marry each other and successful marriages require full commitment from both parties.

Now as to what you two consider infidelity in your marriage is a separate story.  You have every right to draw your line as to what the cheating boundary is in your marriage but this must be communicated clearly to your husband.  If your husband doesn’t agree with your boundaries, you will have to decide if this is something you can live with or if you need to make changes in your life.

Please don’t jump off of a bridge because of HIS stupidity and disrespectful decisions.  I know how hard this can be, especially mentally, and the urge to have all of your problems go away is tempting but you have three kids together.  This isn’t just about you and him unfortunately (& fortunately).  Many couples are able to work through infidelity but the truth MUST be out in the open, with the guilty party admitting that they have done wrong and willing to correct their wrongdoing.  Then healing can begin and many times, couples come out even stronger and more in love than before.   

If your husband is unwilling to admit to his disrespectful and shady behavior, next step is to collect undeniable evidence of his infidelity and then decide what you need to do for yourself and your children.  The answer at that point may be to confront him with the undeniable evidence or you may decide it is time for you to move on with your life, without him.

At the end of the day, the decision is yours to make.  I wish you the best.

XO, Allie

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